i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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