I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
