I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
