Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
