Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize