Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
