That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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