I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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