I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
