i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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