who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
