It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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