How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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