I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Drunk is not a location!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
