There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
