she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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