I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
