So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
