he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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