Fine. I'll sleep in my office
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
