I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
