Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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