She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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