I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize