You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
