I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
