just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
