I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
