I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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