I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
