I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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