I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
