I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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