u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
