I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
