what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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