Swine flu. Run for my life!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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