I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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