I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you had me at cake vodka
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
