His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
