i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
