shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
