my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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