He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
