I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
