I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
