You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
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So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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