Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
