No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
