I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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