i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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