i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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