so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hippo gnu deer
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
