I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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